A Delta December
by Wijida
Summary: Captain Janeway recalls Christmases of the past, as the present December comes rushing up apon her


Disclaimer: Voyager belongs to Paramount, and if I ever get this story off the ground, it belongs to me. Hence the byline.

This is dedicated to the group of JetCjr6, for without them I never would make it to the next Voyager episode/season. To Spif, Kiff, and all the gang...

Note: In this story, flashbacks are not uncommon, and will be marked by **** so as not to confuse the reader. And keep in mind that in each flashback, Kathryn is a few years older, and events have changed somewhat.

**_A Delta December_**

By Mizi

Maybe it was the fact that Neelix's latest creation...(Uvorkian pastagel, I think he called it,) was red noodle paste on green lettuce, or maybe it was the fact that Chakotay's cologne smelt vaguely of evergreen. I don't know, but whatever the cause, December came in full force, and along with it came for me, a heavy dose of good old-fashioned homesickness.

B'Elanna, Tom, Chakotay, and I were sitting around a table in the mess hall well after closing, each of us with a small stack of padds and a steaming plate of pasta gel in front of us. I lifted my fork to dig into the food, and stopped in surprise as I noticed the color combination. Everyone else dug in with obvious hesitancy, but at least they dug in. I just sat there, stupefied, and allowed childhood memories to seep into my mind. Christmas with my family, daddy sitting there by the fireplace, handing Mommy presents that she would present in the early years to me, and then later on to me and my new sister Phoebe. With a smile I remembered how I always resented it that Phoebe got the first gift, she being the littlest in the family.

"You got your turn when you were the youngest." Daddy would remind me gently, and lift me onto his knee, reminding me with an affectionate tickle that I was his Goldenbird, and his first daughter. I'd giggle, and after that was always satisfied watching .That is until Daddy would at last set me down, and hand me a large bulk that always served to be ski equipment, or sometimes a science book. Once, it was a book of Leonardo DaVinci's greatest art, leather bound and covered with a thin plastic cover in order to prevent injuries to the rare binding. Daddy knew I loved DaVinci. Then we'd all sing Christmas carols, Mommy at the piano, Daddy standing behind with his strong hand on her shoulder, and Phoebe and I in the back, she piping up with childish off-key tones and I belting loose with my horrible singing voice. I dreamt then that one day I would have a family, and carry on the traditions ours withheld.

But after Daddy died... Christmas faded into a deep, sad memory, a time when we gave presents and feigned happiness the best we could, but somehow it was never the same. I tried my best, even taking Daddy's seat by the fire, faint hopes of rekindling his spirit, but it never seemed to work. A few years after that, I was in the Delta Quadrant, and Christmas never happened again. At least, not for me. Who knows what the rest of the crew may have done. Perhaps after hours they all met on the holodeck, or in the mess hall, and exchanged gifts while I slept the time away in my cabin. Perhaps no one celebrated, but the holiday passed without a whisper. I never knew.

"Christmas is coming soon, isn't it?" I said it before I knew I had even opened my mouth, and three officers looked at me, all expressing confusion at my sudden comment. Chakotay frowned as he tried to figure out the answer, then nodded.

"A few weeks. Why?"

"I don't know." I suppose I didn't, and I wasn't sure how to act as if there was a perfectly reasonable explanation for my sudden interest. I had never brought it up in the past, and I assumed they would want a reason as to why I wanted to know. "It just came to me."

"I wonder what we should do this year." Tom spoke casually, and I locked my eyes onto his. The smug little pilot knew something, and I saw a glimmer of understanding in the ocean-like depth of his eyes.

"Why bother doing anything? We never do." B'Elanna spoke up, pushing her plate aside with a grimace of distaste. 

"What the hell did Neelix put in this thing, anyway? It tastes like one of the neural gel packs overloaded."

"Kind of looks like it, too." Tom added, then sobered. "I think we should have some kind of celebration this year."

"What for?" B'Elanna demanded. "What's so different about this year opposed to any others?"

"I don't know." Tom looked to me, and smiled. "Captain, what do you think?"

"I think," I took a deep breath. "this is our fifth year in the Delta Quadrant, and we should mark that somehow. A Christmas celebration sounds like the perfect idea. The question is, who's going to put it together?"

"I volunteer." My eyes drifted to Chakotay, who smiled at me. "I don't see why I can't put in a few hours. That is," He focused on Tom, who rolled his eyes impatiently. "if you can, Lieutenant."

"If you can, I can." Tom answered jauntily, leaning backward in his chair. "I can do whatever you can and better, big guy. You just watch me out do that good old boy scout image of yours."

"Oh you can, can you?" Chakotay reached over and tipped his chair, sending a wide eyed Paris sprawling onto the gray carpet. "Oops, careful there, pookah."

"Ha, ha, ha." B'Elanna helped him up, and I smiled as he brushed sandy brown locks out of his eyes. "Listen, Chakotay..."

"I think I'll turn in for the night." I interrupted, pushing my chair back and leaving my plate of now cold pasta on the table. "Good night, everyone."

"Good night," B'Elanna and Tom replied promptly. Chakotay stood up to walk me to the door, and when he did I could see in his eyes that something was bothering him. When we got to the corridor, I turned.

"All right, spill it."

"Captain, what was that?" He asked, taking my shoulder and steering me farther away from the door.

"What?"

"You haven't been yourself lately. What's wrong?" He reached out to put a friendly hand on my shoulder. 

"Kathryn, you've been acting odd ever since Mark's letter. Is there something going on that I should know about?"

I shook my head, silently praying that my expression wasn't giving me away. "Not a thing, Chakotay. But thank you for asking." 

The look on his face told me I wasn't going to get off that easy, and I prepared myself for the worst. He sighed and looked back over his shoulder into the mess hall, where I could see Tom and B'Elanna wrapped in a rather heated discussion.

"I'll walk you back to your cabin." He offered. I shook my head, but somehow we ended up walking together to the turbolift. I realized that I wanted him to, and he knew that.

"Thank you." We entered the lift, and I smiled gratefully at him. "Computer, deck three."

"Deck six." Chakotay turned to look at me. "So, what's all this about Christmas, anyway? I never thought you cared much for it."

"What makes you say that?"

"I've never seen you celebrate it, let alone talk about it. I always assumed it was a sore spot with you." 

"Not at all." I smiled, remembering. "I've always loved Christmas. It meant a time to get together with my family. Christmas carols, warm cider, daddy telling us stories..." I stared off into space, memories seeping back until I forgot Chakotay was even there. 

****************

"Daddy! Daddy, make her stop..." I ran frantically across the living room and past the large evergreen tree, skidding over the deep blue carpet as my five year old sister Phoebe toddled after me, reaching for the padds I held protectively under my right arm.

"Phoebe, stop. I'm not going to let you use them today." I flopped onto the couch with loads of Christmas decorations, cringing as several dainty bulbs clattered together. Mommy hadn't gotten them on the tree yet, even though tonight was Christmas eve. Phoebe's tiny cry brought me out of my musings and I saved my padds in time, holding them above my head as she jumped forward, plump fingers straining to get hold of the smooth gray casings. "Phoebe!"

"Leave her be, Phoebe." I looked up to see Daddy, standing in the doorway dressed in a Starfleet uniform, smiling. Phoebe immediately ran for him, and he lifted her, swinging her tiny frame around in circles until she screamed for mercy. Then he set her down, and turned his attention to me. "Have a good day, Kathryn?"

"Yes, Daddy. Did the other admirals like your report?" I asked promptly. Daddy had been expressing his concern to Mommy regarding his next report to Starfleet Command, and I'd overheard everything, picking up on his most obvious concerns.

"That's my Goldenbird." Daddy came over and ruffled my hair, the skin crinkling around his eyes as he smiled proudly down at me. "Always on the lookout for me, hmm?"

"Yes, Daddy." I grinned as he picked me up, and a grunt escaped his lips.

"My God, Kathryn. I think you're getting a little big for this, aren't we?"

"No, Daddy!" The thought of one of my favorite things coming to a halt shocked me, and I peered up into his blue-gray eyes, which surprisingly were shining with mirth. "Daddy, you're teasing." I reprieved gently, wagging a finger at him. 

"Really, though, wouldn't you rather trade in your piggyback rides for something else?" He set me on the couch and looked thoughtful. "Say, a smile on your mother's face when she sees we have the tree all done?"

My cheery demeanor vanished for a moment, and I searched Daddy's eyes desperately. Decorate the tree? I had so many other things in mind for this afternoon.. Snuggle up with my padds in my bedroom, listening to Bach, or something by my favorite twentieth century singers, The Beatles. But Daddy's eyes kept right on mine, until at last I could envision Mommy's happy face when she came home and saw what we had done.

"Let's do it, Daddy." I wriggled out of his grasp and carried a box of tinsel and holly berries to the corner, where the tree stood as a proud sentry guarding what few presents we had placed there. Daddy's warm, loving smile lit up his entire face, and I could feel my own start to form, warming my cheeks.

"That's my Goldenbird." He came and knelt beside me, reaching for the box and pulling out a large, ocean blue marble, suspended on a clear glass hook. I recognized it as a gift, but I didn't remember the story, so I looked to Daddy for help.

"Where does that come from, Daddy?"

"This..." He held up the ornament with a somewhat... I could only describe it as nostalgic... look in his eyes. "comes from your great-great-great-great grandmother, who emigrated from Ireland sometime in the late twentieth century."

"What was her name?"

"Trisha O'Reily Janeway. She and her husband came over together, I believe. They..." 

The rest of the evening passed by quickly, I being so immersed in Daddy's stories I never heard Mommy come in the door.

"Kathryn... Edward.." Daddy was on his feet first, wrapping his arms around Mommy and giving her a hug so tight I thought she would burst. Then I was there, and Phoebe, who appeared suddenly from her hiding place in the study. "This looks wonderful."

"I helped." Phoebe piped up. But rather than contradict her, I chose to wrap my arms around her in a bear hug. She gasped, and I dropped her with a smile as Mommy and Daddy gazed down upon us. 

****************

".... tomorrow, at about 0800, if you want to join me." I blinked back into reality, realizing that Chakotay was speaking to me again.

"Hmm?" I shook my head, clearing century old cobwebs wearily. "What did you say?"

"Kathryn, I'll be on the holodeck tomorrow at about 0800, if you want to join me." Chakotay repeated his sentence slowly, staring me in the eye in a way that made me extremely uncomfortable. "You're sure you're all right?"

"Fine. I'm fine." All I wanted was to get back to my reminiscing, but that obviously wasn't going to be allowed. Not anytime soon. "And the holodeck sounds great, Chakotay. What do you have in mind?"

"You'll see." He grinned mischievously, and I began to feel wary. Oh, God, what was he planning? "You just go get some rest, Kathryn. I'll see you tomorrow." 

"Sure." I watched him step out of the lift, and as the doors closed I leaned back against the wall. I was so tired... so very tired....

  


"I tell you, she wants something big!" Paris insisted, tossing his padd onto the table where he and B'Elanna sat. The mess hall was still dark, and since the Captain and Chakotay had left, he and B'Elanna had been trying to plan the Christmas celebration. But now he was beginning to wonder...

"How do you know?" B'Elanna argued, fierce klingon determination clear in her deep amber orbs. "Last I knew, Paris, you were human, not Betazoid."

"Klingon wit." Paris muttered.

"I didn't hear that!"

"Lucky thing."

"What?"

"I can't leave you two alone for a minute, can I?" The quarreling couple looked up in surprise to see Chakotay standing beside the table. "I talked to her."

"And?" Paris leaned forward. "What's wrong with her?"

"Nothing physical." Chakotay replied, pulling up a chair beside B'Elanna. "But I suppose that's obvious. I think the problem is mostly psychological, or else it's deeply emotional. Apparently she's missing home more than anyone suspects."

"It's understandable." Paris replied, nodding. "She's all alone out here, and you know as well as I do that she won't ever risk talking to anyone. Even if she did, there's no such thing as 'off-duty' out here, so she'll never feel comfortable."

"That's it exactly." Chakotay agreed.

"Freud? Doctor Paris? Back to the real world for a second, will you?" Torres snapped her fingers, and the men both looked at her curiously. "Would you two drop the psychoanalyst bit for a second? We're talking about Kathryn Janeway, Captain of Voyager, right? There's got to be a simple way to help her with this, and I can think of one person who would be perfect for the job. So if you two would join me in the mortal realm for a bit, I'd tell you."

"You mean Tuvok." Chakotay leaned back and nodded. "I see your point, B'Elanna. Tuvok has served with her before. He'd know more than any of us."

"That's exactly my point."

"Good. I'll talk to him."

"Wait." Paris reached for the padd and held it up. "B'Elanna, we need to finish these plans."

"I know. But it's late." B'Elanna stood with Chakotay, and Paris reluctantly followed. "We can work in my quarters tomorrow, okay Tom?"

"Really?" Paris gave her a sly grin, and she rolled her eyes. 

"No ideas, Paris. Okay? Spare yourself the humiliation."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Advice that you should take, Tom." Chakotay chuckled and moved out the door, leaving Paris and Torres to finish the conversation on their own. He wanted to check on Kathryn, because he couldn't help but be worried about her. There was something about her in the turbolift that he had found unsettling, and he wanted to find out what.

  


After Chakotay left me in the turbolift, I headed for my quarters with the intention of getting ready for bed. I got as far as dressing in my nightgown, then I sat on the couch to brush my short auburn hair. Mark always liked my hair long... I wonder what he'd think of it now. It probably wouldn't matter that much... he had a wife, quite possibly was planning a family as well. I was sure he didn't even care for me anymore. 

I dropped the brush and reached to pick it up, but my gaze locked on a book, old and worn in it's faded leather bindings. The gold script glinted on the cover, the cover that bore the title as proudly as a starship, as Voyager herself would. I read the words "The Great Works of Leonardo DaVinci", and felt myself slip gently away...

****************

"Here, Daddy." My eight year old sister eagerly handed Daddy the painting she had done for him in art class. He unwrapped it, gazing upon the childish scrawls in a way that only a parent would. 

"Thank you, Phoebe." He set it on his pile of gifts, and turned to me. I frowned slightly at the way the light from our Christmas tree in the corner caught the silver strands in his hair. When had they come in? "Kathryn, it's your turn. Pick a present."

I turned to the tree, ducking under it's strong evergreen scented branches. "I see one, way in back..."

"Need some help, honey?" My mother's soft voice came from the deep aqua plush sofa, which had replaced our old brown one from years ago. 

"No, Mommy. I've got it." Despite my age- 15- I still called my mother Mommy. At least at Christmas, when I felt so nostalgic it just felt wrong to call her anything but. I reached for the gift, and with surprising ease hauled it from behind. The silver hologram wrapping paper blinded me as it caught the angelic haze from our Christmas tree lights, and it reflected the rainbow colored beams onto the area surrounding me. I shook the gift carefully, and crawled back to sit near Mommy so I could open it. 

"What do you think it is?" Daddy asked me, and I could see a sly glint in his eyes, which over the years had become not dull and somber with age, but increasingly blithe. I liked this, and it drew my attention away from the gray hair and other aging features. I liked to think my Daddy would stay this way forever- bright and happy, always there when I needed him, and always, always here at Christmas.

"I don't know." I rummaged through the bright, gaily colored ribbon on the top of the box and a tag emerged with purple swirled writing, written in fancy calligraphy. From Daddy, to his Federation Goldenbird. The gift I had anticipated opening all night. Daddy always gave me something fun, something I had always wanted, or had caught my eye at one point in time. He never asked, yet he always knew what it was that would make me happy.

I tore into the wrapping, stuffing it into a bag which Bramble raided instantly, bursting from his secluded basket in the corner to dive into the paper filled bag. Rustling filled the silent room, and I laughed as Bramble emerged with a ribbon caught between his teeth. My hands now held a plain, solitary beige box used to hold Bramble's doggy bed, and I looked at Daddy in confusion.

"Daddy?"

"Appearances can be deceiving, Kathryn." He said, so serious that I almost believed it was indeed another doggy bed. But I opened the box anyway, and my face broke into a smile.

"Leonardo DaVinci, Daddy! How did you know?"

"I saw you poring over it at the library." He replied, grinning at Mommy as she smiled at my delight over the gift. I lifted out the thick leather bound copy, reading out loud the title that was printed in elegant gold script across the cover.

"The Great Works of Leonardo DaVinci." I got up and ran into Daddy's arms. "Daddy, you're the greatest."

****************

My eyes opened at the sound of a distant chime, and I sat up quickly. Where was I? Daddy.... The dream vanished as suddenly as it had come. I was in my quarters on Voyager... Daddy was dead and buried back home on Earth. What had made me think of him all of a sudden? The door chimed again, closer this time, and I got up to answer it before sleep could tempt me again.

"Chakotay." He stood in the corridor still in uniform, so it was obvious he hadn't yet gone to bed. "Come in."

"I'm surprised you're still awake." He crossed the room and sat on the couch. I followed, taking the other end and putting my full attention on him. "You looked tired earlier, and I assumed you'd have gone to bed by now."

"I just dozed off on the couch." I replied, reaching for a pillow and holding it in my lap. Somehow it felt better to just hold on to something, I didn't know why. "I am tired, though."

"I won't stay long, then. I just wanted to see how you were doing." He peered at me, his eyes deep pools of concern and strength that I could draw my own strength from when I needed to. "Are you all right? Really?"

"I suppose so. Just a little tired... the Malon struggle last week certainly took a lot of my reserves." I chuckled, knowing it sounded just as weak as I felt. Chakotay nodded.

"I know what you mean. They're promising to be difficult."

"But we've faced difficult before, haven't we?" I asked, turning to look at the stars. "The Kazon... Vidiians....Hirogen.... there have been more 'difficult' people than I care to remember."

"You've stood up against them well, though. I have to say, I haven't seen you cave yet, Kathryn."

"That doesn't necessarily mean I don't want to, don't feel like I should." I countered. "Sometimes strength isn't what it appears to be, you know."

"I do." Chakotay followed my gaze to a distant star. "You see that? That's Earth."

"Is it?" I knew dammed well it wasn't, but it could be. Someday. "Why does it seem like the farther we go, the farther it is?"

"Because we're trying so hard to reach it." Chakotay replied. "The harder you try for anything, the farther away it's going to seem, you understand. Kathryn, every goal you've ever had, every star you've tried to reach, it's seemed farther away only because you want it so badly."

"Are you saying I shouldn't want it so much?"

"No. I'm saying you shouldn't drive yourself so far to get what you want. Maybe that's the problem, maybe you're trying too hard, and that's why home suddenly is so important to you."

"It's always been important." I fingered the strap of my nightgown nervously. "You know that."

"You're right." Chakotay reached out a hand and touched my shoulder. "But we're a bit off the subject, aren't we?"

I laughed. "I guess so." 

"I came here to ask you something else." He moved closer, leaving his hand where it was. I met his eyes, and looked away. "I know you're upset, Kathryn. I don't pretend to know why... I just want to understand this. I know you've been thinking a lot about home, and Christmas. Why?"

"I really don't know." I didn't, and I wondered if I ever would. In time, maybe... "There's something lately, I don't know what... just little things that have triggered sudden memories of home. Neelix's pasta, the time of the year, conversations I overhear in the corridors and on the bridge. Everything seems to trigger a flashback for me."

"What kind of flashbacks?"

"Childhood memories, recollections, bits of my past that were warm... cozy.. loving times I wished I'd be able to relive someday."

"Maybe you can." He suggested. "Here on Voyager."

I nodded. "Maybe. But... then again, maybe not." My mind was floating, in a daze from that last dream...dream? Was it? Or a flashback, like I said?

"I think I'll be going now." Chakotay stood up, and I forced myself to look back at him. 

"No, please." I reached out for his arm. "Chakotay, I'll say this to you, because you know that you're the one I trust the most out of anyone on board."

"What is it?"

"I'm homesick." It felt good to admit it to someone, my past beliefs preventing me from doing it sooner. I'd thought that a Starfleet Captain in my position shouldn't admit weakness. I wanted the crew to believe I wasn't swayed by anything, let alone a simple bout of homesickness. "I've been feeling this way for a while now, and it seems to be getting worse."

"That's to be expected." Chakotay draped his arm around my shoulder in a friendly gesture, and I found his warmth and compassion comforting to my wounded emotions. "You've put yourself on a pedestal all alone, and won't let anyone keep you company. I know you miss home- I do too, but you can't just try and ignore your feelings. Talk to someone."

"What's this?" I gave him an affectionate smile, letting him know I was amused with his behavior. "Taking it upon yourself to become the new ships counselor?"

"Not really."

"Don't worry about it. You'd make a fine ship's counselor." I replied. "Just as you make a fine first officer. We're lucky to have you."

"We're just as lucky to have you, Kathryn." He countered. "Homesick or not."

"I can't see how I could possibly be homesick now." I moved away and looked out the window. "Not when I know so many people care about me."

"See? What did I tell you?" He embraced me gently and moved to the door. "Well, I have something I need to be doing. You try to get some sleep."

"All right." I smiled. "Good night, Chakotay."

"Good night." And he left. I remained at the window for quite some time musing over what he had said and what I should do. My gaze remained on a distant star for quite some time before I finally did retire to my dark, peaceful bedroom and a still troubled sleep.

"A little more mistletoe, I think." Paris stepped around the large fur tree in the center of the holodeck and inspected the ceiling carefully. "Right above the arch."

"I don't think so." B'Elanna stared around the holodeck and smiled. "Tom, do you think the Captain will like this?"

"There's nothing she'd like more, B'Elanna. The Captain likes this sort of thing." Paris gestured around the holographic 24th century living room and gave B'Elanna his own brand of satisfied grin. "Cozy, warm, and just a bit of home at the same time."

"I guess you're right." B'Elanna jumped as the holodeck doors slid open and a figure emerged. "Jesus, Neelix!"

"I apologize, Lieutenant." Neelix came walking in, his arms heaped with present gaily wrapped in bright colored paper. "Here are the presents from the crew."

"That's not all of them, I hope." Paris took them and arranged the packages under the bare tree. "How's that?"

"We still need to decorate the tree." B'Elanna replied. "Chakotay wants this done by tomorrow. Christmas is the day after. You know, I'm surprised we've kept the Captain away this long."

"So am I."

"I have to say, you two certainly are doing a marvelous job." Neelix inspected the decor, nodding his furry head in satisfaction. "The Captain should enjoy it."

"I hope so, Neelix." Paris moved for a box of decorations. "We could use some help, if you're available."

"Of course!" Neelix hurried over, and he and the lean pilot began to droop decorations over the thick evergreen branches. " Lieutenant, do you have any idea what is wrong with Captain Janeway? I couldn't help but notice she seems so distant lately."

"She's just missing home, Neelix." B'Elanna spoke from her task in the corner, tinkering with the holographic emitters. "I think this should help a lot, though."

"Chakotay seems to think it will." Paris added. 

"He does." B'Elanna bent her head over her work again. "I doubt anyone is more concerned than he is."

"Who?" They all looked up at Chakotay's sudden entrance. "You two seem to be doing well."

"I think so." Neelix volunteered. "This is a marvelous setting."

"It looks perfect." Chakotay walked over to the tree and picked up a package. "Crew presents?"

"We've brought the entire crew in on this." Paris replied. "Thought it would be better this way."

"I agree." Chakotay nodded. "Good idea, you two."

"So, what exactly have you been up to the last few days?" B'Elanna didn't even look up from her work as she directed her next question at Chakotay. He looked at her.

"Keeping the Captain busy."

"Oh." B'Elanna smiled to herself. "She's not beginning to suspect anything from your sudden need to spend time with her, is she?"

Chakotay grinned. "Not that I know of. She's still wallowing in her own grief, so to speak."

"Ah." The engineer slammed the panel cover down and glanced at him. "So, what are you standing here for?"

"What?"

"You're still here. Why aren't you keeping her busy now?" 

"Should I be?"

"Yes. We're still not finished here, and if you want us to get it done, you should get back there and keep her busy a little longer. Take her to holodeck one, play some velocity."

"Or you can take her in the back of my camaro." Paris quipped, not looking to meet the first officer's glare. 

"Tom, do us a favor and stay out of it before someone gets hurt. Namely you." B'Elanna stood up and brushed off her hands. "I've got mistletoe and holly to program, Chakotay, so if you're going..."

"All right, all right, I'm going." Chakotay took one look at the room brimming with activity and cheery decor, and backed out the door.

****************

"Kath, come on." Mark held open the door patiently, smiling as Kathryn filled Molly's food and water bowls and double checked the locks. "Everything's locked- I checked twice."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I gave Molly a tight squeeze and pulled on my thick white winter coat. "Honey, where are we going? You still haven't told me."

"It's a surprise." Mark wrapped a thick white scarf around my neck. "And we'll never get there if you don't hurry."

"I said I'm sorry." I pulled on the last accessory- gloves with fur cuffs, made to match the scarf - and followed him out to the hovercraft. "Do you think Molly will be all right here alone?"

"You've left her here before. Besides, if your mother and sister aren't going to be home, what better place than my house to leave her?"

"True." I climbed into the vehicle after him and he began to guide it across the milky white terrain. His arm wrapped around my shoulders and I smiled, basking in the warmth. "Mark, I love you."

"I love you too, Kathryn." He looked down at me, blue-gray eyes so full of love and a deep, solitary understanding that made me realize just how much I loved him. "This Christmas present is going to be perfect."

"You're never going to tell me what it is, are you?"

"No." He laughed. "And you're never going to leave me alone until I do, will you?"

"Not a chance." I snuggled closer, just to feel his arms closer around me. I didn't have my father, my family wasn't as close as they used to be... and still I had Mark. Ever since I was a child, Mark had forever been there for me. I used to call him vulky, and that time was also when I had thought it would kill me to be seen in the same room with him. Fate certainly had a unique way of bringing about the inevitable, I supposed. Without Mark, I don't know how I would have worked my way as far as I had. He represented the stability I'd thought I'd lost... when Daddy died.

"A penny for your thoughts, stranger." I looked up, and found him staring at me. 

"I was just thinking of my family." I sighed. "I wish they could be here with us."

"Hey." He lifted my chin so that I looked straight into his eyes. "I'll be your family."

I smiled. "Sweet offer."

"And you deserve nothing more than the sweetest offer I could make." he replied. "So, what do you say?"

"I'll make a deal with you." I said. "I'll let you be my family.. if you let me be yours."

He smiled. "A hard offer to refuse. That is, when my proposed family is as beautiful as you are."

"So?" I pulled away and stared him straight in the eye, expression never wavering. "What'll it be?"

"It's a deal." He turned his eyes back to the landscape. "Well, here we are."

"Where?" I leaned forward to peer through snowflakes that now fell soft upon the ground again. Bright light cascaded over everything, a glare as blinding as the sun. People were gliding over thick ice, holding hands and falling in heaps as some just sat on the side drinking hot chocolate in their hovercrafts. I turned to Mark, smiling and laughing at the same time. "Oh, Mark, you know I'm no good at this!"

"It's time you learned." He got out and reached for my hand. "Come on, Kathryn."

"No!"

"Do you want me to carry you?" He pulled me out and had me in his arms before I could even protest further. 

"Mark Hobbes William Johnson!" I cried out his full name, trying to sound serious as my hands pounded in a futile gesture on his arms. "Let me down!"

"All right." He dropped me in a snowdrift, and I came up sputtering.. with a handful of soft new snow. "Heads up!"

"Wha..Kath!" A snowball hit him square in the face and he tried to wipe it off without success. I naturally took pity for him and went over to help. Big mistake.

"Hey!" Mark smeared a big handful of wet crystals in my face and pushed me down into the snowbank again, landing on top of me with a grunt. "Mark, that wasn't fair."

"You know what they say- all's fair in love and war." he quipped, leaning closer until I could smell the deep woolly scent that emanated from him, coming from the sweater I'd given him for his birthday. "Kiss me, Kathryn."

I did, thinking that this wasn't exactly the best place to be kissing the one man I was so deeply in love with, but not really caring. It was romantic, even though there were so many people in the area. I didn't care, and I'm sure we wouldn't have stopped, except he pulled away finally to take my hand and help me up.

"You're not getting out of this." He said, leading me to where we'd get our skates. "Besides, I can guarantee you'll enjoy it."

"But can you be so sure?" I asked as he paid for the skates and began to pull mine onto my feet. 

"I can, and I am." I waited patiently as he tied my laces, and donned his own skates all too quickly. When his hand reached for mine, I pulled away and stood up. 

"Catch me if you can." I taunted, laughing as I slid smoothly onto the ice. "If you're as good as you say you are, that is."

"Oh, but I am." Mark reached for me and stumbled, barely catching himself as I darted out of the way. "Kathryn!"

I dodged a group of people and flew over the ice, executing several pirouettes just to land several times on my back. Mark wasn't behind me, and I thought it a good time to try showing off, even though I knew damned well I held no talent what-so-ever when on the ice. I jumped, twirling in mid-air, and smiling as several observers let out admiring applause. Adrenaline surged through my veins as I repeated the action, then I took off around the pond again with a renewed feeling of confidence.

Twice around the parameter, I tried another jump, and hit my shoulder on a sharp outcropping of ice. Pain shot through my side, and I struggled to pull into a sitting position. 

"Madame?" My eyes drifted upward to an outstretched hand, and Mark's smiling face. "I saw you out there, Kath. It was quite a show."

"I know, and now I've made a fool of myself." I murmured as he helped me up. His hands gripped my arms until I was steady, and he brushed the snow off my face with a gentle touch. 

"No, not at all." He replied, taking my hand in his. "Come on, let's go."

Soft music began to float over the skaters, and I looked around, surprised. "What's that?"

"Someone must have turned on the synthesizer in their hovercraft." Mark answered, smiling. "Recognize the song?"

My head turned toward the music and I listened, transfixed by the familiar words for just a moment before I knew.

"The Beetles.... It's Yesterday, isn't it?" I gasped, a slow smile forming on my lips. Mark took my hands in his and skated gracefully in front, causing a gasp to escape my lips. "Mark, I can't!"

"Yes, you can." He urged, moving backwards and still holding on to me. "Keep with me, Kathryn. You can do this."

"I can... I can.." I murmured, moving with him as we traveled around the pond yet again. "Mark..."

"Yes?"

"You were right. This is perfect, just like you promised it would be."

"And it's about to become even more perfect than you could ever imagine, Kathryn." We slowly plowed to a stop, and Mark got down on his knees in front of me. My breath froze in my throat, and I began to shiver as his hand released mine and snaked carefully into his coat pocket. It removed a tiny blue box, and my heart stopped as he opened it, revealing a beautiful and petite emerald ring. He removed my glove, and ever so slowly worked the trinket onto my fourth right finger. 

"Mark." I couldn't speak, couldn't force the words past my lips. Oh, how I wanted to say everything I felt to him, everything I couldn't. It was frustrating to me.

"Kathryn, I've loved you ever since I first met you." He began, never once taking his eyes off mine. "You were like a sister to me, then as I got older I began to realize that you meant so much more. I'm the luckiest man alive to have you in my life, and if it's okay with you, I'd like to make it a permanent arrangement."

"Oh, Mark.." I felt tears threatening to overflow, and managed a tight-lipped smile. "What about Molly?"

"Well," He smiled back at me, and I could see the joy in his eyes. "I suppose I could take her too. As long as her master promises to clean up after her, that is."

"I think I could do that." I fell into his arms, feeling his strong embrace around me, and his warm lips on my cheek. "Oh, Mark, I love you."

"Would that be a yes?" He asked. "Because if I don't get a straight answer I don't see how I could..."

"Yes!" I gasped, pulling my head back so I could look at him. "Yes, Hobbes, yes!"

He kissed me, more passion and joy emerging so that I could barely bring myself to let go minutes later. We made the trip home in silence, reaching my door all too quickly for either of us. 

"I'll see you in the morning, Kath." He promised, sealing the pack with a long, deep kiss. "We've got a lot to plan."

"Yes, we do." I replied, my hand lingering in his for the longest time before he finally released it and the hovercraft moved away. I entered the front door with a sigh, and leaned against the wall to stare at the dainty emerald on my finger. The light from the full moon illuminated the stone, and the color of jade reflected in my eyes. 

****************

"Thank you, Neelix." I accepted the brimming plate from the Talaxian cook and stepped back, carefully avoiding several crewmen on my way to a table in the corner. I'd woken up several hours ago, and decided that I wasn't going to face any more flashback's as of yet. I'd been faced with too many childhood memories.. and later years, and I didn't want to remember them. They were too painful- either reminding me of sadder times, or times that had been so wonderful it pained me to remember what I now was forced to live without. 

My hand lifted the fork slowly, sifting through the orange and yellow gelatinous mass on my tray, and I grimaced. 

"Neelix certainly has his way with Jell-O, doesnt he?" My eyes drifted upward to catch Tom Paris giving me his usual schoolboy grin.

"What- oh, I'm sorry, Tom." I apologized, glancing back at my plate. "I've been a bit preoccupied."

"If you'll excuse me, Captain, I think it's more than a bit." Paris countered, sitting down across from me. "You've been like this for weeks now, you know."

"I know."

"What's wrong? Maybe I can help, if you want to talk.."

"That's a nice offer for you to make, Tom, but Chakotay's already tried." I ate a forkful of jell, swallowing hastily. "I'd rather not talk to anyone." 

"Well, we want to talk to you." He stood up, reaching for my hand. "Coming, Captain?"

"What?"

"Come on." I reluctantly took his hand and abandoned my fork. "Let's go."

"Tom," I pulled my hand back and looked around, hoping that no one had seen this display. Oddly enough, the mess hall was empty, and I frowned. That wasn't at all common. "go where?"

"Holodeck one." He replied, leading me out the door. I didn't put up much of a fight- I guess I was too tired to bother. "We've all got a bit of a surprise for you." 

"What kind of surprise?"

"That's why they're called surprises." Tom quipped. "Because I won't tell you."

We arrived at the holodeck shortly, and I gave him a annoyed glare. "Tom..."

"Be patient, Madame." He pulled out a black cloth and wrapped it around my eyes, taking my hand again. "Follow me... straight ahead." 

I followed- that being the only 'logical' thing to do in this case. Tom held my hand as long as needed, then let go. I was left in complete and utter darkness, and it disoriented me completely.

"Tom.."

Someone grabbed my blindfold, and it was removed to reveal bright and cheery lighting. I gasped as Christmas music drifted past me, and laughter filled the holographic twentieth century living room. 

"Merry Christmas, Captain." I turned to see Tom and B'Elanna standing behind me, each looking rather smug, in my opinion.

"Were you two responsible for all this?" I asked, a smile breaking out as I spoke. 

"We said we'd do something, didn't we?" Tom handed me a glass of champagne and a beautiful long stemmed yellow rose. 

"Yes, we did." B'Elanna added, smiling. "Merry Christmas, Captain. I hope you enjoy all this."

"I already am." I replied, moving away. The room was buzzing with activity, couches filled with people, and a gorgeous elaborately decorated Christmas tree. Presents, as elaborately decorated as the tree, were piled underneath, and I moved toward them curiously.

"Merry Christmas, Kathryn." A hand rested on my arm, and I looked up. 

"Chakotay. Merry Christmas." I turned to face him, a smile on my face. "I'm glad you're here."

"Why wouldn't I be?" He led me to a couch and we sat, both clutching our champagne glasses protectively. Mine had yet to be touched while I suspect his had been emptied several times. "Tom and B'Elanna worked pretty hard on this."

"I know." I did, believe me I did. I looked up at the tree that towered above us, catching a glimpse of the bright, shining angel that stood atop the branches watching over us.. all of us...

****************

"That's right, sweetie. I'll be in space a few more months, then we'll be home." I kissed the tip of my finger and touched it gently to the viewscreen. "Mark, don't worry about me."

"I'm sorry, but I can't help it." My fianc looked frustrated by my news, and I certainly couldn't blame him. "Kathryn, I'll keep the tree up for you."

"You don't have to do that." My heart melted. I was going to miss our first Christmas together.. only because I was on a deep space mission in the Beta Quadrant- courtesy of Admiral Paris. I wanted to be home more than anything at the moment, just so I could be with Mark, but somehow I wasn't able to. 

"I know I don't. I want to." Mark smiled, and I stared lovingly into his eyes, searching for anything I hadn't seen in his expression. What did he really think of this? 

"I love you, honey. And I promise I'll be home soon." 

"I love you too, Kath." 

Keep an eye on Molly for me." I switched the viewscreen off, and....

****************

"...opening presents. Captain Janeway, Lieutenant Paris.."

I snapped to attention at the sound of my name. B'Elanna was out a large box, and I took it uncertainly. 

"Captain?" Chakotay was still beside me, staring curiously. "Aren't you going to open it?"

"Hmm? Yes, I..."

****************

..I picked up the picture of Mark that sat next to my bed, stroking my thumb against it gently, tears running down my face.

"I love you, sweetie. And someday I will see you again. Merry.."

****************

"Christmas." I looked up, surprise registering on my face as I saw Neelix approaching me, holding a plate laden with food. It came as even more of a surprise to see that it held crackers and cheese, not his usual cuisine. 

"Hello, Neelix." He sat beside me, holding the plate closer. 

"Something to eat, Captain?" 

"No, not right now, thank you." I really didn't want to talk to anyone at the moment-he obviously could tell, and left. My heart sunk at the sight of all these couples having fun, but as I sat there a sudden realization came over me, and I blacked out.

****************

"Daddy?" My eyes fluttered open, and I was no longer in the mess hall onboard Voyager. The scenery was familiar, and I recognized it to be Earth. Or to be more specific, the cornfields on Earth, in my home state of Indiana. 

What was I doing here? This was different from my other visions, having nothing to do with Christmas, and I could see no one there but myself.

Before panic could set in, however, a familiar voice reached my ears, and I looked up.

"Daddy!" I was in his arms before I knew it, breathing in the comforting scent of after shave and cologne he had always worn. Here I was, safe again, like I'd always wanted to be.

"Hello, Goldenbird." He looked down at me, blue-gray eyes shining with that familiar warmth I always remembered from before. 

"Oh, Daddy, how I've missed you." I embraced him even tighter. "I'm so far from home. Mommy, Phoebe.. even you. It's so good to see you again."

"You too, Kathryn." He let me go and held me at arms length, studying me carefully, and I'm afraid he must have seen the tears forming in my eyes.. "You don't look happy, Goldenbird. What's wrong?"

"It's nothing, Daddy. Just.. it's so good to be home, even if it's just a hallucination."

"Who said it is?"

"You're dead, I'm 60,000 light years from Indiana, and these cornfields...." I turned in circles, watching the cornstalks dance in a breeze I couldn't even feel. That was an odd sensation, knowing that there was wind, but not feeling it.

"Kathryn, even if it is a hallucination, I can tell that isn't what's bothering you. You were never very good at hiding things from me, you know."

I laughed softly, then began to grow somber. "You're right, Daddy. It's seeing you now, at Christmas. All those years spent at home with the rest of the family- after I finally excepted you were gone, I tried to make the holiday something we could enjoy, but it was like there was no spirit left in us anymore. Mommy, Phoebe, neither of them felt they had anything left to celebrate. I guess I felt the same, after a while, and I just stopped caring. Mark and I never got to spend more than one Christmas together, and he's the one who got me to start feeling the spirit again. And now that he's gone..." I pushed my way through the corn, Daddy behind me. "I don't have anyone who loves me left to share it with. Not even you." 

"You do have someone to share it with." Daddy reached out and touched my shoulder, stopping me in my tracks. "Someone who loves you."

"The crew? But they..."

"Chakotay." I froze, staring at my father in disbelief. I knew, but I'd never realized... Chakotay did love me. He'd shown it plainly enough before, but now... now I knew. My father never tried to shield me from anything, so I was positive he was telling me the truth. Why had it taken me so long to understand it?

"Chakotay." I murmured, all of it finally sinking in. The Angry Warrior story, the rose, the invitations to dinner, the holodeck. He did love me, and suddenly I knew.. "I love him too."

"So go back to Voyager," Daddy told me, taking me in his arms again and squeezing me once more. "and tell him. Spend Christmas surrounded by your family, and the man you love."

"Good bye, Daddy." I gave him a kiss, and turned so I could no longer see his face. "I love you."

"Good bye, Goldenbird." He replied, and I heard his voice crack. "I love you, Kathryn." 

I could no longer see the cornfields anymore after that, and I smiled softly to myself as I drifted peacefully off into blackness.

****************

"Kathryn." 

I moaned softly, and reached my hand out to the darkness.

"Chakotay."

"She's awake." Soft murmurs, and I opened my eyes to find that I was lying on a couch in holodeck one, surrounded by a small crowd of crewmembers... with Chakotay sitting by my side. 

"Chakotay, what..what's everyone standing around for?"

Chakotay smiled, that smile that I'd only seen once before, when I'd nearly died, and he'd pulled me off the brink. Tears in his eyes, unshed but dangerously close to falling. "Kathryn, you passed out for a few minutes. Everyone's a bit concerned."

"I'm okay, I'm okay." I sat up with his help, and took his hand. "Were you here the entire time?"

"Yes."

"Thank you." I said. He frowned, curiosity evident in his expression.

"It was nothing, Kathryn. I...."

"Not just for that." I interrupted. "For being my friend, for staying by my side no matter how rough everything got. For New Earth, the bathtub, and Christmas. Thank you for giving me a reason to enjoy celebrating Christmas again."

"What reason did I give you?" He asked. I was sure he'd think I was delirious, but I was past the point of caring about rationality or his view of my sanity. I had to get this out in the open. Tonight.

"You let me know that you love me." I replied, smiling. "When I was unconcious, I saw my father. He helped me realize that the only thing that kept me from enjoying Christmas was that I wasn't enjoying it with you. I knew that you loved me, but my father's words finally got it through my head. It dawned on me that I loved you back all along, but I felt that I needed to spend Christmas with someone who loved me, and now that I've figured out who that person is, I know that I want to celebrate Christmas with him and my crew. And I plan to enjoy this Christmas."

"Kathryn...." But I never let him finish. My lips touched his, and in my mind I could see an image of my father's face, smiling at me proudly.

"Merry Christmas, Goldenbird...."

"Merry Christmas, Daddy." I whispered. The noise of the crew jolted Chakotay and I out of our embrace, and later that evening, Chakotay presented me with an elegant silver bracelet... and a sprig of mistletoe. As he kissed me, I began to understand what I had wanted all along. A sense of security, a family, and this gave me both. This year, Christmas certainly was different. It was a Delta December... which in my mind was the best time of all.

~~~~The End~~~~

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